December 19, 2012
I wrote this two days before the end of dates recorded on the Mayan calendar. Times were turbulent and I wrote it out...
Two days before the end of the world, don't ya know. My heart feels sick, like it does so often...filled with sadness, grief, fear, failure, uncertainty, shadowed, and torn. The pit in my stomach forces its way to my throat closing it tight constricting my life. My mom says she's proud of me for searching and seeking but maybe the search is a guise for depression. Why should I be depressed I ask myself - I'm safe, I have family that loves me, I've known no oppression nor war. I'm upset that I don't have a father, I'm still grieving that space that's never been filled. My search will never end because that void can't be filled, its a part of me. The emptiness I know is who I am. I've been trying to refill that emptiness with love but there's only so much surrogate love in the world. Aren't there other people in this world raised by single parent that aren't inhibited by their knowledge of being abandoned? Aren't there other people who've been raised by both parents that feel lost? I'm not special in this respect, it is my experience though and it feels like my experience is making it difficult for me to be a functional adult. I don't want responsibility...makes sense to me, why should I be responsible if the man that was responsible for me didn't take responsibility. I don't want a relationship...makes sense to me, why should I if the people who I'm supposed to look for an example in my mom and dad didn't want a relationship. I know want kids...etc, etc, etc. Its hard feeling unwanted, even if the whole world says it wants you. That one person made it clear that you're unwanted, and that's the one that sticks. I was angry for a while and that's what motivated me. I'm not angry anymore. It got replaced with sadness. Sadness doesn't motivate unfortunately.
I've grown a lot since this...and I feel that hole I was referring to is still steadily being filled with love and it is nourishing me in the ways I hoped.
